“Your arms were always open when I needed a hug. Your heart understood when I needed a friend. Your gentle eyes were stern when I needed a lesson. Your strength and love has guided me and gave me wings to fly” When I look to the sky these days, I end up wondering where you must be. What you must be up to. Are you watching over us or not?Are you still looking at us? The cruelest reality of life is death. And even so, knowing that it is inevitable, I cannot let you go so easily. I want to hold onto you and cry my eyes out because I am not ready to let you go yet, Mom.
How do you tell yourself that the person who took care of you all your life and fed you, clothed you and cherished you unconditionally is now gone? Who do I complain to for taking you away from me? There is no one to complain to, so I find myself sitting alone at night, crying my eyes out because the truth hurts too much for me to bear. I find myself crying and bawling my eyes out. Everyone in the house is pretty much the same. Because I miss you so much, it suffocates me. I miss you a lot, and it hurts me so much that I will no longer be able to see the face that could always bring a smile to my face. It hurts that you have gone somewhere so far out of my reach that I can no longer even visit you.
I vividly remember when you would wake me up in the morning and ask me to have tea. The way you would smile at me so fondly. The way you would glare at me when I did something wrong. The way you would slightly brush my hair. You’d get worried if I didn’t eat right. All those little things I did, mattered to you so much. The way you would get angry if I broke any cutlery. The way you would tell me to look after my siblings. The way you would smile at me. The way you would caress my cheek. The way you would get irritated if I kept pestering you. The way you would laugh at little things. You were so full of life, then how did death end up taking you away?
We used to have so much fun together. You, me, and my siblings, we would go to your hometown together and have fun there. It always used to be warm. And the sunlight reflected upon you as you stood under the hot sun yourself, and we sat under the shades. That is just how all mothers are, aren’t they? Sacrificing all they have, for the sake of their children. You were no different, Mom. You gave me hope when everyone else would let me down. Now, who will help me up when I fall? Who will ask me if I’ve eaten? Who will worry over all the little things I do? Who will teach me so much more? Who will teach me the difference between good and right? Who will stop me from taking a wrong step ? Is there anyone who can replace you? There isn’t,
Mom, this is why I find this reality painfully unfair. You were an angel, Mum. You never let anyone down. You taught me all the right things. I am who I am because of you, so how can I just go on living without you? You promised that you’d help the needy and work for the temple, what about that promise, Mum? You were supposed to watch me succeed in life. You were supposed to give me your blessings. You were supposed to stand by my side as I conquered the world. How am I supposed to do all that alone, now? How am I supposed to face this world now? I used to have this sense of security that even if the entire world turns against me, you would always stand by my side. Who will stay by me, now that you are gone? My eyes well up with tears every time I am reminded of you. I’m in pieces, Mum. But who will collect my scattered self now that you’re not here?
Even so, I know that I am broken because I was loved by you. What do I tell your youngest son who won’t stop crying? What do I tell your eldest daughter, who’s heartbroken? What do I tell myself who just lost his mother? I sometimes wish to just join you above, but I cannot do so because of this responsibility that you have left me with. I am not sure how, but I will take care of my siblings and try to cherish them the way you did? I sit alone in this house, and the walls shout at me, the silence screams at me. They don’t let me sleep at night. I wish you would come and hold me like you used to when we were children, maybe then I would get some sleep. I am reminded of you every second that I am here and my eyes well up at the thought of you. We look at your photos and then we cannot contain our sobs. I can only see you now through those photos or through my memory, which will fall apart soon, undoubtedly. There was so much left for us to do together. You said you were going to help the poor and give charity after I succeeded. I was so close to succeeding, then why did you leave me alone? Who will I celebrate my success with? Who will give me their blessings? You’ve gone so far away, leaving behind this mountain of responsibilities for me. Can I even do this, Mum?
Can I even do this? Can I take care of my siblings and be the big brother you asked me to be? When you were in the hospital, we used to visit you everyday and you would always tell me: “Don’t worry, son. I am feeling better now. I’ll come home soon.” But you never came home soon. And that home does not feel like home without you. Why did you go back on your word? Why did you not come back with me? Why did you leave me alone here? I feel scared and insecure when I go out. As if all eyes are on me. When you were here, I had this sense of security that even if all the world turns against me, my mother would always support me. Now, I cannot even say that,because you have left me here to face this selfish world on my own. Everyone keeps telling me to “Stay strong” How do people do that? How do people stay strong and move on? Forgetting their loved ones? To me, it seems impossible. It seems as though this pain will never end. Will it, ever? I wish to just join you up there but I cannot abandon the responsibilities that you have left for me. I will take care of my sister and brother and make my sister married to a decent boy, Mom. Do not worry, I will be responsible. I will make sure she goes to a good family. I know that our father cannot afford her marriage and his health is deteriorating day by day. I do not want him to work anymore. He has health issues and even so he keeps working so my sister can get married. I told him to stop, that I will work from now on and I will take responsibilities of her marriage.
I am so confused and so lost. I do not know which way to go. What to do? My little brother comes to me for comfort but with what words do I comfort him? Do I lie to him that you will come back? I cannot bear this. It breaks my heart when I think if then. My siblings are going through the same hurt as me. How will they bear it? I am all they have now. Am I ready to take care of them? I wish you would just return. I remember all those times that you would beat me when I did something wrong. At that time, I used to hate that beating but now I crave it. You can never know the true value of something until it is gone. This is too much for me to handle. I still sit by the wall where you wrote something. I cling onto that wall now as if it were you, yourself.
That wall means so much to me, Mom, because you were the one who wrote upon it. It’s amusing how such insignificant things can turn so important to us after someone leaves us. I understand this feeling now, Mum. I just very deeply miss you. That’s all. I curse all those diseases that came at you all at once. You were so healthy before. So how did it come to this? Did we not take good enough care of you? Did we not pay enough attention to you? But that is not possible, because we were always by your side. But even so, you slipped right through our fingers and I have so much regret that is filling me ounce by ounce and I am not sure what I should do with this. My heart feels heavy and my eyes hurt. I miss you so much that I can’t seem to bear it. There is so much left in this world, or so I am told, but why is it that the inner thing I can think of is the fact that you have gone? I will never be able to eat those tasty meals you used to make for me again.
This responsibility you have left behind for me; taking care of my father, my siblings and our grandmother. How well will I do? I need to find a good boy to whom I could betroth my sister to. I need to get her married into a good family. I need to make sure my little brother gets good grades and becomes successful. How am I supposed to do all this without you, Mum? You were so righteous. Of course as a teacher that was your basic instinct. You always taught me to be just and to fight this world head on. Can I do that?
I will never be able to hear your voice again. I will never be able to hear you scold me again. I will never be able to feel the pain of your beatings. I will never be able to laugh with you again. How will I live without all those things? How will I survive? As in the words of Maggie Pittman: “Her hands held me gently from the day I took my first breath. Her hands helped to guide me as I took my first step. Her hands held me close when the tears would start to fall. Her hands were quick to show me that she would take care of it all. Her hands were there to brush my hair, or straighten a wayward bow. Her hands were often there to comfort the hurts that didn’t always show. Her hands helped hold the stars in place, and encouraged me to reach. Her hands would clap and cheer and praise when I captured them at length. Her hands would also push me, though not down or in harm’s way. Her hands would punctuate the words, just do what I say. Her hands sometimes had to discipline, to help bend this young tree. Her hands would shape and mold me into all she knew I could be. Her hands are now twisting with age and years of work, Her hand now needs my gentle touch to rub away the hurt. Her hands are more beautiful than anything can be. Her hands are the reason I am me”
Your hands are the reason I am me, Mum. How can I walk this world alone, without you? Are you up there in heaven? I wonder if you’re at peace now. I wonder if you’re watching us. I wonder if you’re happy. The thought that you might be watching me, reminds me of my responsibilities. I have to find someone for my sister and so many other duties that you have left for me. Can I follow through with them? That promise that I made to you before you left. I have to keep that promise even if you couldn’t keep yours, Mum. This was only the beginning, wasn’t it? We had only just started a new life but you ended up so far away. I was aware that you had a serious disease and that you were hurting. But it never came to my brain that I would end up losing you to it. All those days I spent in the hospital, I always had a hope that you would make it out alive. You used to say it yourself. You used to tell me that everything will be alright. But how did that turn out? All my hope was shattered that day when the doctor came up to me and told me that my mother was no more. I had lost faith in this world but then your words came back to me. You always told me to be fair and just. Never give up on this world. And so hanging onto those words, I barely made it out. I was just thinking that I couldn’t even make it to the long journey with you. You had to go alone. Were you lonely? I find some peace knowing that at least I didn’t leave you alone for even a second in this world. Even as your disease was getting worse without any of us knowing, you stayed strong.
Don’t worry; I will follow in your steps soon, because death is inevitable. I just need to fulfill my responsibilities first. I need to make sure my little brother succeeds in life and my sister gets married and all of them can be happy. I will make you proud, Mum. I will make you proud of me. I cannot wait for the day when you will wait for me up there with a smile on your face. And open your arms to embrace me “Come here, son.” And I will go running to you. I wish I could do that right now but I have to be patient. Mothers are one of the first indications of the sovereignty of God in our lives. They teach us to have confidence and to believe in ourselves. They cherish their children and make sure they grow up right because they are aware of the responsibility upon them. Mothers are a blessing from God. You were the best mother I could ever have. You cherished me and gave me your all. You taught me right and brought me up.
Your disease slowly ate you up without even us realizing what was happening. You were supposed to come home after 18 days but you never came home. The doctors told us at first that it was just something usual and would resolve on its own. That your kidney stones would pass on their own. But then your condition kept getting worse. And there was nothing we could do. All those diseases attacked you at once. You were transferred to an ICU and then kept on a ventilator for some time but the doctors said there was nothing they could do. The world started spinning around me when I heard that. You must have been hurting, Mom. I can still remember the faint smell of the hospital room where you promised that you would come back home soon, but you never did. The thought of your disease makes me feel helpless, Mom. How I couldn’t do anything at all to save you from it? It’s amazing what the living expect of the dying. We expect them to assure us that they would stay or even be at peace, saying that they are fine with leaving us and going to a better place but in the end we are all just scared on the inside, aren’t we? My mum, I am sure, was scared as well. She didn’t want to leave but she could very much so see the impending death before her eyes. I should’ve been the one comforting her but she was always comforting me. Mom, I look to the sky and I question the Divinity. Why did He take you away from me, when you still had so much to live for? You wanted to see me succeed so much. And soon I was going to make your wish come true but now you have left me here, how do I move on? “A mother understands, what the child does not say.” You were like that to the end Mum, caring for us before yourself. There is a story written by a famous poet. It’s named “The story of a Mother” After reading this story, I realized how selfless mothers are. My mother must have suffered at so many points in life as well but she never gave up, for our sake. Even if she wanted to keep her child, she knew what was good for him and let him go. And I also realized that all that happens happens for the best. What if she stayed with us but in worse condition? What if she suffered in this world even if she recovered? And so I realized that God knows best and if He took her from me, it was probably for the best. Hopefully, she is somewhere happy and healthy.
And I am sure, if she were the mother in the story, she would have made the same decision because all mothers are the same. The phrase “Mothers are like glue” didn’t make sense to me at first. How a mother could be contrasted to glue. But now that you are not here and I look back at my memories, it occurred to me how it made sense. A mother stays there all her life and keeps the family together, Sticks them together. Even when you can’t see them, they’re still holding the family together. Through all highs and lows. But even when she’s gone, she becomes their strength. . She still keeps them together, even in her absence. You are not here anymore, Mom. But you are still holding us together. You live in our hearts. You live in our memories. And you will always be alive within us.
Like this. And this is the only comfort I can give to my family that has been left behind. My father misses you so much. How heartbroken must he be after losing his significant other? I cannot even imagine. But he is still staying strong for the sake of his children. You were such a good wife as well. You took care of Dad in every possible way. You made sure he took all his meals properly and did all to help him. You took care of your children and your husband. You were a perfect woman. The world is at loss for losing you. You loved Dad so much. Dad misses you so much. It breaks my heart to see him crying. We don’t even know how to comfort each other. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense anymore, now that you are not by our side anymore. I wish I could just talk to you one more time, Mom.
To my father, I would like to say: Dear dad, Thank you for always taking care of my mother and us. You are a great father and as you are growing older, I have come to realize that now it is my duty to take care of you too. It must be hard for you but you have to stay strong for the sake of my little brother and sister. We can all get through this hard time, together.
To my little brother I would like to say: Hang in there, buddy. It’s hard on us all but you are the youngest.
Too young to lose your mother like this but you have to stay strong, okay? You have to stay strong for her sake and fulfill all her wishes. You have to succeed in life, like she wanted you to. You have to make her proud as well. She loved you a lot and I know this is very hard for you but you have to understand that such is life. People come and people go. And unfortunately, this will not be the only time in your life when you lose a loved one to death but my dear brother;it’s the beauty of life. These brief fleeting moments, yet so breathtakingly beautiful. I will do my best to be a capable big brother for you and if you ever need me, I will always be just one call away.
To my sister, I want to say: You may be the eldest, but to me, you seem like the youngest. You are so dear to me. And you were so dear to our mother as well. As the eldest, you must feel responsible for a lot of things, and so do I as the eldest son, but I am sure we can handle situations together. I will make sure you get married into a good family. I will full fill my responsibility towards you. Do not worry; I will take good care of you. You are my responsibility now. Stay strong. I will stay by your side through all the troubles of life. I will never let you down, sis. I will make you get married to a decent boy who deserves you. I will never leave you unless by the hands of death, which I cannot control. I love you. Hang in there for our mother and for me.
And lastly, to my mother, I would like to say: Mom, I miss you a lot. And I love you so much. My heart is broken right now because you left us so unexpectedly. But I am sure that wherever you are, it is a better place than this selfish world. And I hope that you are at peace. I am confident God was delighted to have you back as well. You are such an angel, after all.
Thomas Edison’s last words were: “It’s gorgeous over there.” I am not sure where there is, but I know you’re waiting for me, and I hope it’s beautiful. There’s a poem that fills my heart with warmth, I want to share it with you, Mom: “You filled my days with rainbow lights, Fairytales and sweet dream nights, A kiss to wipe away my tears, Gingerbread to ease my fears. You gave the gift of life to me and then in love, you set me free. I thank you for your tender care, for deep warm hugs, and being there. I hope that when you think of me, a part of you, you’ll always see.” By Anon.thank you for being my mother,for loving me,for taking care of me.
You mean the world to me, and it hurts to have you received so far from me, but I am sure it was for the better. I will continue to live on. I will take care of my siblings and my father and grandmother. Mother, you can rest in peace now. I will take care of everything. I love you, Mom. Lastly, I heard somewhere once that: “The living must go on living.” The living must go on living not for their own sake, but for those they left behind. I will fulfill all your wishes in your stead, Mom. I will do all that you wanted me to. And so I will go on living forward that I have responsibilities and I need to face you in the afterlife. I will make sure my sister gets married soon, and my brother becomes a decent responsible man. I will succeed. For you, Mum. I will do it all for you. I will show the world what I am made of. I will show the world whose son I am